so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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