Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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