Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A bitchslap is in order.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize