I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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