when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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