dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
