I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
