My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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