Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
