Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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