We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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