dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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