textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
soo... how was my night?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
