It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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