so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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