I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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