im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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