And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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