So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize