My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
