dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
