Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
