Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
