Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
