A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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