Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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