There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
