im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
