Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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