Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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