maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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