If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
