dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
