Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
