Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
