im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize