I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
