i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
