Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
