You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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