Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
