You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
