you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just gargled with NyQuil
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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