Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
