living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
