You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
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