Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
