Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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