Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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