I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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