Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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