she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
