So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
