im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
