Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
