i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
