I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
